Almost a year exactly before my mom passed away, she had a bad fall leaving her with a head injury and a broken femur. We almost lost her then but miraculously she pulled through. I am so thankful because it gave her more time with us. When she got out of physical rehab she came to stay with me. She believed that I was helping her, but neither one of us realized at the time that she was helping me by giving me more memories to hold on to now that she’s gone.
One night she and I were sitting in my living room in front of the Christmas tree having one of our usual talks. She held my hand and in her soft voice, she told me that her greatest joy in life was being a mom. That my brother Jeff and I were the two things that brought her complete happiness in her life and always made even the hardest times and darkest days better. She told me how the only thing she had ever wanted in life was to be a mom and that if she should pass away, she would go to Heaven knowing her life was well lived. If for no other reason than being a mom to us.
Truth be told, that night she said she didn’t think she would see another Christmas and sadly she was right. I suppose that it’s true what they say, that you have some sort of “feeling” about those things. But I didn’t believe her and just brushed it off. Telling her she would be around for many more Christmases. Not knowing then that the months and days left with her were fading fast. Sadly, we lost her that following October, just a week after my daughter’s first birthday.
So many times since that day, I have thought about that conversation. I just couldn’t understand how she could say her life was well lived when there were so many things left that she wished she could have done. How could Jeff and I, who definitely gave her a good bit of headaches over the years, could have made her feel so happy. Her life so complete.
I get it now…
I know now exactly what she was talking about that night. When I look at my own children I get it. They both give me headaches in their own ways. But these two are my whole world and for that my life is well lived.
As we head into another Christmas season, the absence of her is becoming more and more present. It’s been a little more than a year since she was called home. And although I know she is at peace and with the family she had longed to see again. The pain and emptiness without her still feels immense. I wish I could hug her again, like I hug my babies. Or hear her voice once more. But for now I will just hold the memories tight and talk about her often. I love you momma.
The holidays can be hard for those dealing with loss or hardships…
I struggle daily with feelings of grief but I’ve learned to manage them and to give myself a bit of a break. I’m allowed to be feeling what I’m feeling without being ashamed of it.
Have you lost someone close this past year? The holiday season can be very hard for those struggling with loss. Depression is real. But trust me you are not alone. Click here read my post on depression and the ways you can help yourself cope with whatever may be making you feel this way. It could be the death of a loved one, a divorce, loss of employment, financial hardship…no matter what the cause, depression is real. But it can be managed. And remember you are not alone!